The Revenge of the Main Male Characters
by Lady Lostris
Summary: A Mary Sue has taken over Hogwarts. Can the Marauders rid the school of her vile presence? NOT your typical Mary Sue story.
1. The Vile Presence Takes Over

Revenge of the Main Male Characters

By Lady Lostris

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except the OC.  They all belong to J.K. Rowling.  Please don't sue.  I have no money anyway.  Oh, and anything shamelessly ripped off of _Rocky Horror Picture Show_ belongs to whatever film company made that movie.

Summary:  A Mary Sue has come to Hogwarts.  Can the Marauders rid the school of her vile presence?

A/N:  NOT your typical Mary Sue story.  If you like Mary Sues, stop reading now.  If you don't, continue.  Thanks to cracklizard for quasi-beta-reading and being a quasi-muse.

The Vile Presence Takes Over 

Setting:  The Hogwarts Express, in a compartment towards the rear.  Four male friends lounge on four of the six seats.

NARRATOR: The train had just left Kings Cross Station, with four of its companions already planning adventures for the coming year.  They sat in their usual compartment.  This was their usual compartment because most were wise enough to avoid it, wanting neither a prank, nor a curse, nor an insult.  Therefore our four friends found it a bit odd when the door opened and the person on the other side wasn't who they were expecting it to be.

JAMES:  Hey Lil--.  _He does a double take.  _You're not Lily.

NARRATOR:  Indeed the newcomer was not.  Instead of red hair and green eyes, this girl had long, flowing brown hair, deep, beautiful, golden brown eyes, with a perfect complexion and everything exactly where it should be and in the right proportions.  Her robes fit better than any of them had ever seen robes fit anyone before.

_A coughing, choking sound comes from the distance as the author chokes on her own description of the character.  The author takes a sip of water to calm her coughing fit.  Now, back to the story._

NARRATOR:  Any normal young adult male of the human race would have wondered what she looked like under her robes.  Since our heroes aren't exactly normal, this was not the case.  They just wondered who she was, where she had come from, and most of all, what the heck she was doing in their compartment.

JAMES:  Who are you, where did you come from, and what are you doing in our compartment?

NEWCOMER:  _tucking perfect hair behind perfect ear with perfectly manicured fingers_  I'm Mary Sue Adriana Genevieve Tiffany Johnson.  But you can call me Mary Sue.  I'm a transfer student from America.  All of the other compartments are full, or no one wants me to sit there.  May I sit here?  Thanks.  _Without waiting for an answer, she sits in the seat next to James and crosses her perfect legs.  _Who are all of you?

JAMES:  James Potter.

SIRIUS:  Sirius Black.

REMUS:  Remus Lupin.

PETER:  Peter Pettigrew.

MARY SUE:  It's very nice to meet y'all.

_Suddenly the door opens.  In walks LILY.  She sees someone sitting in her seat._

LILY:  _to MARY SUE _ You.  Out of my seat.

MARY SUE:  I don't see you sitting in it.  That means it was empty and I could sit in it.

LILY:  OUT.  Now.

MARY SUE stands up and moves to the seat next to Sirius.  She flashes him a dazzling smile. 

SIRIUS:  _sarcastically _ Thanks Lil.

LILY:  No problem, Padfoot.

MARY SUE:  Why did she call you Padfoot?

SIRIUS:  Because I have a foot fetish.

MARY SUE:  That's interesting.  Do you come across many people with foot fetishes?

_SIRIUS doesn't answer.  He's gone back to reading the latest edition of Quidditch Weekly._

MARY SUE:  Oh, you like Quidditch?  So do I.  I absolutely adore the game.  Do you play?

SIRIUS:  _not looking up from magazine  _Prongs does.

MARY SUE:  Why do you call him Prongs?

SIRIUS:  _in complete seriousness _ Because he has a fork fetish.

MARY SUE:  And the other two?  Do you call them anything?

SIRIUS:  _still reading his magazine  _Remus is Moony and Peter is Wormtail.

MARY SUE:  _raises a perfect eyebrow  _Moony?

SIRIUS:  His fetish changes with the phases of the moon.  You know how it is.

MARY SUE:  And Wormtail?

SIRIUS:  Don't ask.

MARY SUE:  _pointing at LILY  _What do you call her?

SIRIUS:  Lily.

MARY SUE:  Why?

SIRIUS:  Because that's her name.

The MARAUDERS and LILY look at each other then burst out laughing.  They laugh for five minutes before calming down enough to continue what they were doing before, SIRIUS reading his magazine, LILY and JAMES sharing another, and PETER and REMUS both looking out the window.

NARRATOR:  Despite all of her attempts to start a conversation, each of her traveling companions found a way to ignore her, but not before SIRIUS, who appeared to be her chosen prey, had first climbed into REMUS'S lap and then hidden under PETER'S seat.  This is where he was cowering when the train finally pulled into Hogwarts.  Only after much persuasion on the part of the rest of the MARAUDERS was he finally convinced to come out.  Each of them entered the school, filled not with antici-- (say it!) pation, but with apprehension.  What sorts of things would that vile girl do to their beloved school?

END SCENE

~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:  Hope you liked it.  Did anyone spot the Rocky Horror ripoff?  Next chapter, the Sorting Ceremony.  Hey, even the Mary Sue's gotta have a House, right?


	2. It Makes Its Presence Known

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except the OC.  They all belong to J.K. Rowling.  Please don't sue.  I have no money anyway.  Oh, and anything shamelessly ripped off of _Rocky Horror Picture Show_ belongs to whatever film company made that movie.  Oh heck, anything ripped off of anything isn't mine.

It Makes Its Presence Known to All 

Setting:  The Great Hall of Hogwarts is decked out for the start-of-year feast.  Our protagonists are seated at the Gryffindor table, waiting for the sorting to begin.  

PETER:  I wonder which house _she'll_ be sorted into.

SIRIUS:_ shudders  _I don't want to think about it.

NARRATOR:  Our hapless heroes were about to find out.  For at that very moment, the doors to the Great Hall opened and the first-years entered.  In the midst of the gaggle of first-years, was the Mary Sue.  Upon seeing her, SIRIUS shuddered again, and warded himself against the evil eye.  The MARY SUE flashed him another dazzling grin.  Over at the Slytherin table, NARCISSA BLACK looked at SIRIUS with a smirk.

The students approach the bench which is set in front of the Hall.  PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL holds up a parchment with the students' names written on it.  She proceeds with the sorting, until….

MCGONAGALL:  Mary Sue Adriana Gene—oh forget it.  Will the Mary Sue please stand up?

MARY SUE approaches the stool and sits, again crossing her perfect legs, where she waits for the Sorting Hat to make its pronouncement.

SORTING HAT:  Hmm…you'd make a perfect Gryffindor.  _SIRIUS cringes.  _You'd also make a perfect Slytherin.  _NARCISSA smirks._  You'd also make a perfect Hufflepuff and a perfect Ravenclaw….I just don't know what to do with you.  Better make it….GryffindorSlytherinHufflepuffRavenclaw!

There is a moment of silence as everyone tries to figure out what the Sorting Hat just said, then the Hall erupts into cheers.  Soon though the Slytherins and Gryffindors realize what that means, and scowl into their plates.  DUMBLEDORE rises to address the students.

DUMBLEDORE:  I do believe that this is the first time the Sorting Hat has placed a student in all four Houses.  In this case, you may attend classes with whichever House you wish, and eat with whichever house you wish, and sleep in the dormitories of whichever House you wish.  As for the first-years, the Forbidden Forest is, well, forbidden.  Now, let's eat.

MARY SUE gets off the stool and goes to sit next to SIRIUS, flashing him a smile.  SIRIUS groans and drops his head on the table.  Food appears on the table, but before anyone can eat it, a voice comes from behind SIRIUS….

NARCISSA:  Looks like my cousin has found himself a new friend.

MARY SUE:  looks up at NARCISSA.  Who might you be?

NARCISSA:  Narcissa Black.  This degenerate cousin of mine is the first Black not to be a Slytherin in…well, forever.  He's got a habit of taking up with the worst sort of people.  Take them for instance.  A pureblood who has no pride in being a pureblood, a mudblood, a weakling who can't think for himself, and we're not even going to go into what sort of person he is.  Her gaze shifts over each friend in turn, going from JAMES to LILY to PETER and ending with REMUS.  All but REMUS and SIRIUS, whose head is still on the table, have pulled out their wands.

REMUS:  Put them away.  Don't do something to get yourselves expelled.  

NARCISSA: sneers  Yes, listen to him.  We all know that he only wants to stay here because he can.  I don't know why he bothers.  It's not like he'll be able to get a job anyway.  

Another voice is heard, this one even steelier than NARCISSA'S.

LUCIUS:  Narcissa, we should eat before all of the food is gone.  They're not worth our time.

MARY SUE:  We haven't met.  You are?

LUCIUS:  Lucius Malfoy.

MARY SUE:  Lucius.  Sounds like you've got a luscious personality.

LUCIUS:  look of disgust  Hardly.  He leads NARCISSA back to the Slytherin table.

NARRATOR:  And so dinner went.  SIRIUS ate nothing, because he didn't want to have to look at the MARY SUE.  REMUS had to keep people from cursing the MARY SUE into oblivion.  The MARY SUE kept making eyes at all of the males, which received glares from many of the females.  The males ignored the MARY SUE and talked about the year to come, which only made the MARY SUE try harder.  This was the sad state of affairs when…

DUMBLEDORE:  claps for attention  The prefects will now kindly take their Houses back to the dormitories.  Your things have already been taken up.

REMUS:  All right, Gryffindors, follow me.

The Gryffindors rise to follow REMUS.  The MARY SUE gushes.

MARY SUE:  You're a prefect?  How perfect.  Perfect prefect.  Hmm….I'll have to remember that.

REMUS rolls his eyes and sighs, leading the students to the dormitory.  The MARY SUE seems to have given up on SIRIUS for the moment and follows REMUS closely.

JAMES: to SIRIUS  It looks like she's given up on you for the moment.

SIRIUS:  Yeah, but now I'm hungry.

LILY:  I think we've got some food from the trolley left that you could have.

The Gryffindors have reached the painting.  REMUS gives the password and they enter.  

MARY SUE:  What a nice common room!  How quaint!  I might have to spend enormously large amounts of time here.  But I won't be able to decide that until I see what the other common rooms are like.  _She sits on a couch by the fire.  _Remus, come sit next to me.

REMUS:  I think I'd better get to bed.  We start classes tomorrow.

LILY has reappeared with food for SIRIUS.  She presses it into his hand.

LILY:  Sorry Padfoot, that's all I could find.  It'll have to do.

SIRIUS:  Thanks Lily.  I think I'll just go upstairs and eat this.

SIRIUS and REMUS go upstairs, followed by JAMES, PETER, and the rest of the males.  The females disappear up the other set of stairs, leaving just the MARY SUE sitting by the fire.

MARY SUE:  Well that was rude.  I suppose I shall have to go to bed.  _She goes upstairs as well._

END SCENE

~~~~~~

A/N:  Coming up: the first day of classes!  Who will the Mary Sue choose to attend classes with?


	3. It Attends Classes, and It's Smart

Disclaimer:  Same as the other chapters.  I own nothing except the OC and the plot.  Anything ripped off from anything else is owned by whoever owns it.

It Attends Classes, and It's Smart 

_Setting:  the Great Hall, at breakfast._

The MARAUDERS and LILY are sitting at the Gryffindor table.  SIRIUS is eating like there's no tomorrow.

REMUS:  Breathe, Padfoot, breathe.

SIRIUS: _between bites of food  _I didn't eat dinner last night.  I'm hungry.

The MARY SUE sits down across from JAMES and flashes him a smile.  LILY glares at her.

MARY SUE:  So what classes do we have today?

JAMES:  We?

MARY SUE:  Yes, we.  I have the same classes you do.  I can just choose to attend them with whomever I like.

JAMES:  And whom will you attend them with?

MARY SUE:  I haven't decided yet.  Perhaps Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff.  I haven't met them yet.  Attend one class with each House, starting with Potions with you.  How do I get to the dungeon?

NARRATOR:  But the MARY SUE got no answer, for the others had finished eating and left, leaving the MARY SUE to make her own way to the dungeon.

The dungeon.  Gryffindor and Slytherin are waiting for the professor.  JAMES is sitting next to LILY, and REMUS next to SIRIUS, which leaves an open seat for the MARY SUE next to…..

PETER:  _groans  _Why?  Why did it have to be me this time?

MARY SUE:  Because you're just so adorable.

REMUS and SIRIUS exchange a Look.  REMUS raises an eyebrow.

PROFESSOR McCARTNEY enters.

PROF. McCARTNEY: Good morning class.  Today we'll working on the Abbey Road potion.  It makes whoever drinks it think they're living in a yellow submarine.  Rather useless, but it can be quite amusing.  He smirks.  Your summer homework is due tomorrow, so I suggest that those of you who haven't done it, do it tonight.

MARY SUE:  waving hand in air wildly  Professor!  Professor!

PROFESSOR:  Yes Miss Johnson?

MARY SUE:  As you know, Professor, I'm a transfer student from America.  (A/N:  I have nothing against Americans, I am one myself.  It just made the most sense for her to be a transfer student from America).  I didn't get the homework assignment at the end of last year; therefore I didn't have all summer to do it like everyone else did.

PROFESSOR:  What's your point, Miss Johnson?  Just because they had all summer to do it doesn't mean that they did it over the summer.  Most of the class will be working on it tonight.  You can hand it in tomorrow like the rest of them.  Ask one of your classmates what the assignment was.

The students begin to work on their potions.  SIRIUS leans forward and begins consulting with JAMES in whispers.  "Snivellous" is distinctly audible from the conversation.

REMUS:  hisses  You are not putting Abbey Road potion in Snape's pumpkin juice!

Everyone goes back to work until the class period is over.  It's time to head to History of Magic.

MARY SUE:  Well that was fun.  I think I'll come with you to your next class.

The boys groan.  The girls glare.  They go to History of Magic.  

NARRATOR:  And so they sat through another class in the presence of the MARY SUE.  As they sat and waited for class to be over, the MARY SUE took in every word.  And answered every question.  After the class was over…

SIRIUS:  getting up the courage to say something to the MARY SUE  How do you know all of that?

MARY SUE:  I'm the Mary Sue.  She gets up and trounces off to the Great Hall for lunch.  The others look at each other, confused, then shrug and also go to the Great Hall for lunch.

NARRATOR:  SIRIUS was a few minutes late in joining them for lunch.  When REMUS asked him why, he said he'd had to go back to the dorm to get something.  During lunch, the MARY SUE thankfully ate with Ravenclaw.  She had decided that that afternoon she would attend classes with them, for which the Gryffindors and Slytherins were eternally grateful.  Well, at least they were grateful for the rest of the afternoon.

It is after lunch.  The students are starting to leave the Great Hall to go to classes.  The MARY SUE tries to make a new friend.  She tries to talk to a boy with greasy black hair and a large nose.

MARY SUE:  fawning over Snape  Hi, I don't think we've met.  I'm the Mary Sue.  I think we could be friends.

SNAPE:  singing at the top of his lungs  We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.  We all live in a yellow submarine….

Then, all at the same time….

LUCIUS:  Silencio!  

Snape goes silent.

MARY SUE:  Luscious, you saved that poor boy from making a fool of himself.  You're my hero!

NARCISSA glares at the MARY SUE.  REMUS glances at SIRIUS.  SIRIUS looks innocent.  Like, big puppy dog eyes innocent.  Everyone heads down the hall to their classes, SNAPE occasionally muttering "yellow submarine" under his breath.

END SCENE

~~~~~~

A/N: Coming next…well, I'm not sure what's coming next.  I'll think of something.  And I promise, this is the last time I use The Beatles as inspiration for my fic.  Sorry, Michael Jackson, I didn't mean to step on your copyrighted toes.  Thanks as usual to cracklizard (who I notice hasn't reviewed, ahem) for laughing at my jokes.  A note to SassyBird about frightening dogs:  Sirius is frightened too.  :-)  To the rest of my reviewers, whom I won't name by name because I don't like it when others do it, thanks for the reviews.  Keep 'em coming, and I will too.

Sorry for the long author's note.  I don't usually like long A/N's either...


	4. It Plays Quidditch, and It's Good

Disclaimer:  Still own nothing.  Nothing except the Mary Sue and plot, at least.  Everything else belongs to someone else.

It Plays Quidditch, and It's Good Setting:  the Quidditch pitch 

NARRATOR:  In a few days it was time for the favorite time of the year of many of the year.  It was time for Quidditch tryouts.  JAMES, being on the team, was one of the students running the tryouts.  REMUS, PETER, SIRIUS, and LILY all turned up to watch the tryouts.

Several students straggle in, hoping to make it onto their respective teams.  The tryouts are about to begin when….. the MARY SUE arrives.  She's wearing the Hogwarts robes, and a plaid tie, that's right, a PLAID tie, with a jumbled mix of the colors of all hour Houses.  It's rather an eyesore, but she wears it proudly.  SIRIUS looks horrified.

SIRIUS:  What is that _thing _around your neck?

MARY SUE:  It's my tie.  Each student wears a tie with their House colors.  Since I'm in all four Houses, I have a tie with the colors of all four Houses.  It had to be special ordered.

SIRIUS:  I'm sure it did…..

The first team with its tryouts is Slytherin.  They're conducting tryouts for a Seeker.  The MARY SUE tries out, and of course is perfect, catching the Snitch in record time.  JAMES' jaw drops.

JAMES:  That's—that's not possible!  _He buries his head in his hands.  _There goes the Quidditch Cup for this year!

Gryffindor's tryouts are next.  They're conducting tryouts for a Beater.  The MARY SUE wants to try out.

JAMES:  But you tried out for Slytherin.

MARY SUE:  I've been sorted into all four Houses.  Therefore I can play for whomever I please.  I have to try out for all four teams to see whom I'd rather play for.

The MARY SUE is, of course, perfect at being a Beater too.  In fact, she's also perfect at being a Keeper for Hufflepuff and a Chaser for Ravenclaw.

NARRATOR:  And when someone brought up the question of which team she'd play for…

MARY SUE:  I think I'll play for all four.  _Everyone present on the Quidditch pitch groans._  Ta ta!  _With that she goes back inside._

Scene switch to the Gryffindor common lounge.  JAMES is on a couch by the fire, LILY next to him, REMUS, SIRIUS, and PETER sit in chairs nearby.  JAMES groans.

SIRIUS:  This is a disaster.  An absolute disaster.

JAMES:  Padfoot, you're not even on the team.  I'm the one who has to deal with her and her being on both opposing teams AT THE SAME TIME.

SIRIUS:  There's got to be something Dumbledore can do.

REMUS:  What?  She's in all four Houses, therefore she can play for all four teams.

JAMES:  I'll just have to hope that it won't be as bad as it seems it will be.  

SIRIUS:  It's the Mary Sue.  It will be as bad as it seems to be.

JAMES:  Guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

PETER:  Yes, Prongs, it's time to take over the world.  Mwahahahaha!

_SIRIUS blinks.  REMUS blinks.  LILY blinks.  JAMES blinks.  Then JAMES says,_

JAMES:  Er, no.  I was thinking it's time for the Marauders to strike again.  What do you think, Padfoot?

SIRIUS:  I agree, Prongs.  Moony?

REMUS:  Just as long as no one knows I had anything to do with it.

JAMES:  All right then.  Here's what we do.  _They huddle and whisper amongst themselves for a minute._  Moony, do you think you can do that?

REMUS:  I don't know, Prongs.  It'll be a full moon then.  _The MARY SUE has just returned and heard this._

MARY SUE:  Why should it matter if there's a full moon?

SIRIUS:  Because when it's a full moon Moony's into bestiality.  It gets rather messy.

REMUS nods confirmation, completely serious.  The MARY SUE just shakes her head and heads up to the girls' dorm.

JAMES:  So anyway, do you think it will work?

SIRIUS:  Prongs, it's us.  Course it'll work.  _He grins._

END SCENE

~~~~~

A/N:  What prank are they going to play on the Mary Sue?  How much of a disaster will Quidditch turn out to be?  Thanks to BIW for reminding me that the girl needed House colors…apparently they're psychedelic AND plaid.  Thanks to Karen (aka Cassandra Terra) for the suggestion that the Mary Sue should play on all four teams.  Thanks as always to cracklizard for being my quasi-beta reader.  Thanks of course to the rest of my reviewers.  I'm going to list you all by name just this once:

SparklyCherry

This Parrot has ceased to be

SassyBird

SexiglassesSNOG

phredtheflyingmonkey

cracklizard 

khenna

BIW

If anyone is still reading this, for a really funny Mary Sue fic, which is shorter than this one, check out "Mary Sue Must Die" by Starcatcher1.  I stumbled across it yesterday and couldn't stop laughing.


	5. It Doesn't Take Well to Being Pranked

Disclaimer:  If you still need one of these, go see the previous chapters.

It Doesn't Take Well to Being Pranked 

_Setting:  the Gryffindor common room.  Students sit around the room, talking to each other._

NARRATOR:  The MARY SUE had been splitting her time between the four common rooms, being a member of all four Houses.  This was her night to spend in the Gryffindor common room.  Most of the students seemed unaware of her presence.  Our prankster protagonists have decided that this is the night to pull their prank.

The MARAUDERS and LILY are sitting in chairs near the fire.  The MARY SUE sits nearby, apparently having decided that tonight they would be her victims again.  She has crossed her legs, doing her best to get attention from anyone, male or female.  It's obvious she's desperate for a little attention, and she's not getting any.  This has her somewhat annoyed.

SIRIUS:  Would anyone like some pumpkin juice?  (A/N: Don't ask why there's pumpkin juice in the common room, there just is.)

REMUS, JAMES, LILY, PETER, and the MARY SUE all nod yes.  SIRIUS hands them all some pumpkin juice.  They pretend to drink, waiting for the MARY SUE to drink hers.  She does.  She instantly becomes invisible, but is unaware that she has.  The rest of them visibly relax.

SIRIUS:  What do all of you think of Professor McCartney?

REMUS:  I'm glad they hired him.  It's about time they found someone for the job who isn't a Slytherin sympathizer.

JAMES:  It's hard to find people for that job though.  I mean, who wants to work in the dungeon, really?

SIRIUS:  I think it's more like they don't want to deal with us, so if they're not already here, they don't want to come.  He grins.

PETER:  If he were an Animagus, what animal do you suppose he'd become?

SIRIUS:  A beetle.  Then he could be like that Muggle singing group.

JAMES:  What do you suppose your parents would think if they heard you talking about Muggle singing groups?

SIRIUS:  shrugs  They already think I'm the "black sheep" of the family.  It probably wouldn't surprise them.

REMUS:  Speaking of new teachers, what about Trelawney, the Divination professor?  What do you think of her?  They say she's a medium.

SIRIUS:  And medium is good.  It's right in the middle.  You know, larger than a small, smaller than a large.

JAMES:  And it's easy to fake her homework.   She can tell you you're going to die a violent death at a young age, but she can't tell that you've faked your homework.

LILY:  Speaking of homework, I need to go to the library.  I'll catch up with you later.  She leaves.

REMUS:  Does she really tell you that you're going to die a violent death at an early age?

JAMES:  All the time.  So much so that I can now tell when she's going to say it.  Although I think I'd rather die a violent death at an early age than endure what she tells Padfoot is going to happen to him.

REMUS:  What does she tell Padfoot?

SIRIUS:  She keeps going on and on about how I'll be accused of a crime that I didn't commit and endure punishment that rightly belongs to someone else.  He scoffs.  As if I'd actually commit a crime!

JAMES:  And you should hear what she says to Peter!

REMUS:  What does she say to Peter?

JAMES:  She says that in a previous decision he chose well, and that soon he will show his true nature.  Which makes the least sense of them all!  James seems to find this rather funny, as he starts to laugh.

MARY SUE:  who is still invisible  Hmm…I wonder what she'd say about me…maybe I should go talk to her sometime.

Most of the people in the room are frightened to hear her voice coming from nowhere, and get up to go somewhere and hide from the incorporeal Mary Sue.  They thought she was bad before; if she can be omnipresent and invisible, that's even worse.  That being the case, they all scramble for the door, running into each other in the process.

SIRIUS:  so that only the Marauders can hear  Trelawney would probably say that she'll find a nice man who will fall head over heels for her and they'll settle down and have lots of kids.

The MARAUDERS laugh at this.  At this moment, the MARY SUE becomes visible again.

MARY SUE:  Hey!  Why are you ignoring me?  I'm the Mary Sue.  You're supposed to worship me!

SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER, and JAMES blink at this comment, then think about other things.

JAMES:  Where's Lily?

SIRIUS:  Hey Prongs when's the first Quidditch match?

REMUS:  I have homework…

PETER:  Worship you?  You're not Lord Voldemort!  Mwahahahaha!  Suddenly he realizes what he's saying and stops.  Uh, I think I have homework too.  He leaves.

SIRIUS:  Well, we always did think he was a little odd…

The three of them get up and follow PETER up to the dorm to retrieve their homework, still talking about PETER'S oddness.  The MARY SUE is the only person left in the room.

MARY SUE:  Well I never.  How is it that they can resist me when so many others have fallen under my spell?  Something must be done about this.

END SCENE

~~~~~~~

A/N:  I know that one wasn't very funny, but they'll get better in the future, I promise.  I also know that Trelawney wasn't teaching at Hogwarts in the time of the Marauders, but this is my story and I can do with it what I like.  I didn't want to make up another professor.  You saw what happened the last time I did that.  Next chapter:  the first Quidditch match of the year!  Also, what is the Mary Sue planning to do about everybody ignoring her?  Stay tuned for more!


	6. It’s the First Quidditch Game of the Yea...

Disclaimer:  Again, if you still need one of these, go see previous chapters.

It's the First Quidditch Game of the Year, and All Heck Breaks Loose

_Setting:  The Quidditch pitch.  The first match of the year is between Slytherin and Gryffindor.  Players from both teams have just come out onto the pitch.  The Mary Sue is wearing robes that are a combination of both House colors.  Sirius is announcing._

SIRIUS:  Welcome to the first Quidditch match of the year, Gryffindor versus Slytherin.  The players have just entered the field and—what is she wearing?  It's horrible!  It looks like the elves were sick on it.  _Pause_  Sorry Professor.

_Many other students also share SIRIUS' apparent horror at what the Mary Sue is wearing.  It appears that there will be jokes about this for years to come._

SIRIUS:  And they're off!  Gryffindor is in possession of the Quaffle.  Passed from Smith to Jones to Brown, and Brown scores!  Ten points for Gryffindor!

Cheers erupt from three-fourths of the stands.  Only the Slytherin section is booing.

SIRIUS:  The Snitch is released!  What's going on now?  The Mary Sue nearly got a Bludger to the head!  Apparently trying to play Beater for Gryffindor and Seeker for Slytherin has confused her.  Makes it easier for James to do his job.  Smith scores for Gryffindor!

More cheering from three-fourths of the stands.

NARRATOR:  And so the game continued.  JAMES kept looking for the Snitch, Gryffindor and Slytherin kept scoring, the Mary Sue kept trying to go in two directions at once and almost getting hit by the Bludger, until…

A POP is heard from somewhere on the Quidditch pitch.  Students and professors alike are confused until they see what caused the noise:  a second Mary Sue!  She looks like the first one, except that her Quidditch robes are the green and silver of Slytherin, thereby freeing up the confused and injured Mary Sue to do nothing but escape Bludgers and attempt to steal the Quaffle.

SIRIUS:  faltering somewhat in his narration of the game  And there's a…second Mary Sue…who is playing for the Slytherin team…

Slytherin cheers.

SIRIUS:  Brown scores again…James and the Mary Sue are both chasing the Snitch…the other Mary Sue looks like she's about to fall off her broom…no wait, she's just reapplying her eye makeup…James is getting closer, followed by Mary Sue Number One…get it, James, get it!  

Suddenly there is another loud POP and a cry of confusion from the stands.  There is now a third Mary Sue, playing for Gryffindor.  This Mary Sue is followed by another POP and a fourth Mary Sue, playing for Slytherin.  

SIRIUS:  It appears there are some interesting developments.  The Mary Sue is replicating herself and…oh no!  Now there are two more on each team!  James is distracted and can't find the Snitch with all of the people on the field!  And…yes…the—a—Mary Sue has caught the Snitch!  One of the Slytherin Mary Sues.   Slytherin wins.

The Slytherins burst out cheering.  The Gryffindors dejectedly return to their common room.  SIRIUS, REMUS, PETER, and LILY catch up with JAMES in the common room.  JAMES is sitting in his favorite chair by the fire, looking glum.

SIRIUS:  Cheer up, mate.

JAMES:  Padfoot, did you watch the game?  That was a disaster.

SIRIUS:  Of course I watched it.  All I saw was that infernal Mary Sue sticking her nose in again and making a mess of things.  Anyone would have found it hard to play under those conditions.  At least the problem's not very big yet.

REMUS looks over to the corner, where Gryffindor's Mary Sues are now sitting and giggling amongst themselves.  Anyone less hardy than our heroes would think it the best giggle they had ever heard.  Our heroes, however, are smarter than that.

REMUS:  I hope you don't end up eating those words later, Padfoot.

SIRIUS:  Yeah.  We all know how bad Mary Sues taste.

Pause.

LILY:  And on that note, I think we'd all better go to bed.  We have lots of homework to do tomorrow.

They all go up to bed.  The MARY SUES look around at each other, Lucius Malfoy-like glints in their eyes.

A MARY SUE:  Let's just see them try to ignore us now.

***Finis***


End file.
